post traumatic straight syndrome
This is what i have chosen to call my initial shutter, feeling of uneasiness, and guilt i get whenever i am reminded of my "hetero" experiences. I am wondering if i am the only one that feels like this sometimes.
I have always known something was different about me. I was never [ever] interested in boys, my friends had joked since grade school that i was asexual. There were always rumors that I was gay- I even had DYKE written across my locker in 8th grade. Now I dont think i look like a big dykeo, and I didnt back then either; it had something to do with me rebuking the advances of pretty powerful boy in junior high land and never showing the slightest interest in anybody else.
I had a lot of other stuff that was more important for me going on at the time than sexual orientation so i never really bothered to process the fact that i was actually gay, I just knew i wasn't attracted to men...i thought it would just happen eventually. I became very adept at turning down men and everytime i have done this i feel guilty for hurting their feelings. I even let people think i was gay (i have never denied it) before i even fully accepted that i was, because it made things easier, a big joke, and i think i always knew in the back of my mind that it was true.
I had a few very very drunk stupid encounters with men (that never went "all the way") and thought then that the reason that it felt just so wrong was that they were wrong, i was drunk, and that maybe i just had intimacy problems. Later i started to realize what was really right for me but being me i had to test to make sure i wasnt just crazy.
My last and final straw was when i met the "perfect boy," that i just couldnt think of a good reason to turn down. He was hot, a volunteer fire-fighter, in a band, smart, funny, sweet, and he absolutely adored me...every straight girls dream and I flat out used him. He was perfect and after a few dates and few glasses of wine i did have sex with him. It felt like i was in somebody elses body, that i was a character in a play: as green said once "insert moan, ass grab here." I knew for sure it was wrong and he was just so shocked and hurt when i broke it off with him, i still feel horrible about it. Then I was with a girl and everything felt right. It all just clicked and i finally understood who I was and what i had been missing all those years.
But even a few years later, i still feel bad about it, and have to shake out a little bit when i remember my hetero experiences...he was playing bright eyes and to this day it holds a connection in my head to straight sex.
Has anyone else ever felt like this or am i just a freak?
I choose to think it just proves that i am GAY GAY GAY!
*i apologize for the serious post, I went out with my new roommates tonight and was continuously hit on by men...that and coming off hard liquor makes me all serious*
6 comments:
hey loula,
you're not a freak. i get hit on by guys all the time, still, even after they know i'm gay. i think they do it just to annoy me. but that's not my point.
the guilt you feel from hurting this perfect boy isn't enough to turn you straight again. it would be a lie and you would be unhappy. i'm glad you're gay. i'm proud of you for taking that step.
as a far as the musical memories, my only advice is to make new memories with that music. reclaim it and give it a new meaning. it might work.
take care,
slo
i'm just going to say: yes.
Nah, girl. You did the right thing. I almost settled on marrying my best guy friend because he was "so perfect" for me. At least that's what everyone else said. He was my best friend, so I thought, "Why not?"
Never settle for anything less than the truth, especially when it comes to your life and happiness.
:)
amg
aw, you're not a freak! i know exactly what you're talking about. and it does prove that you're GAY GAY GAY! (thank goodness ;)
and i agree with slo when it comes to reclaiming music. i was a dashboard fan a few years ago -- listened to them constantly. then i became involved with someone and for a looong time, i couldn't hear or even think about that band.
about a month or so ago, i just played the songs over and over and over until i couldn't take it anymore. it was excruciating, but well worth it. now i can sing along to 'Saints and Sailors' without wanting to shoot myself :)
xxx,
green
slo- I'm glad i'm gay too ;), I would never go back on that..ewww
but seriously thnks everyone for all the responses, it means a lot...interconnectedness and all that fun stuff
i'll try out those music ideas
what is it with emo music...at least it is something that is depressing anyway
I'll try doing some really gay shit while listening to it: playing with the dog, fixing stuff around the house, wearing flannel, making vegitarian food, a hot chick, taking pictures of flowers...
serious posts are a must occasionally.
I felt that was about some of my experiences with guys. Like you I had no interest, but did it for the social benefit. so people would not make fun of me. Like you I had been tagged as a dyke in the 8th grade. did not follw me to high school though, and my friends never understood why i ddin't like to take dates to the dances.
It's a process of life. feeling guilty won't help/ Just remind yourself that you have found who you are, and hurting a few feelings isn't bad.
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